


This Awful Energy

by Agapostemon



Series: The Sound of Shattered Glass [2]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Cuddling & Snuggling, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Grey-Asexual Shiro, M/M, Matt Holt has PTSD, Shiro (Voltron) Has PTSD - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, but no actual sex, discussion of sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-26
Updated: 2017-02-26
Packaged: 2018-09-26 23:48:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,503
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9933557
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Agapostemon/pseuds/Agapostemon
Summary: “Y’know… sometimes, I feel like I’m not quite real,” Matt admits, “After a bad dream or a bad memory. Is that how you’re feeling right now?”Shiro takes a deep breath and then, hesitantly, he nods.“Can I try something that might help?” Matt asks.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Content Warnings: Trauma feels, non-graphic discussion of sex (but no actual sex happens, implied or otherwise)
> 
> Takes place at some vague point in the future in the canon-verse, after all involved parties have been reunited.
> 
> This could PROBABLY get by with a Teen rating, but I'm airing on the side of caution.

“Takashi?”

Shiro isn’t sure what’s real. Everything is a blur of panic and he’s not sure whether to cling to the voice or lash out at it. He scrabbles upright, uncertain where he’s at anymore because cold metal floors aren’t supposed to give under his weight… right?

“Takashi?”

The voice is clearer this time. He feels something warm against his shoulder and tenses, ready to strike.

“Shiro, no!” suddenly the voice comes into focus, as does a familiar face, “It’s me. Matt. You’re safe. We’re both safe. We're in your room in the Castle.”

Shiro’s breath catches in his throat. He almost hurt Matt. His eyes grow wide at the realization and he sputters out an apology, preparing to stand up.

But Matt’s hand tugs down at his arm, “Hey, it’s okay. You had a bad dream.”

“I almost hurt you,” Shiro says. He’s aware of his surroundings, now, but nothing really seems real. He kind of wants to go down to the training deck and fight something he can’t hurt. Sometimes it feels like fighting is all he’s good for anymore. He hates it.

Matt’s hand doesn’t leave his shoulder, “It’s okay. You’re awake, now.”

Shiro doesn’t say anything, just stares down at the weapon masquerading as his right arm.

“What do you need, Shiro?” Matt asks softly, spreading his hand and running the open palm down his companion’s spine.

“I-I don’t know,” Shiro says, his voice raw.

“Y’know… sometimes, I feel like I’m not quite real,” Matt admits, “After a bad dream or a bad memory. Is that how you’re feeling right now?”

Shiro takes a deep breath and then, hesitantly, he nods.

“Can I try something that might help?” Matt asks.

“Maybe,” Shiro says cautiously, “What kind of something?”

Matt runs his fingers over Shiro’s shoulder blades, “I wanna touch you.”

“You’re already touching me,” Shiro points out, a bit more bluntly than he would’ve liked.

“No, I mean,” Matt’s fingers continue to dance across his companion’s back, “More? Like… all over. Until you feel real again.”

Shiro’s brow furrows, “In a sexual way?”

“Doesn’t have to be,” Matt shakes his head, “Can be, but doesn’t have to be.”

Shiro hums in thought. Sex has always been a complicated topic for him. He’d never had much of a sex drive, and prior to Matt, he wasn’t sure he’d ever actually experienced sexual attraction. But after his time with the Galra, his feelings towards sex somehow morphed from “mostly disinterested and slightly puzzled” to “vaguely horrified and also a little intrigued.” And to further complicate matters, he’s now in a relationship with possibly the only person in all the universe who he _does_ feel unambiguously attracted to in that way. The whole thing makes his head hurt.

Finally he sighs, “Okay. Nothing sexual, please. But touching is fine.”

“Alright,” Matt whispers against the side of his head, “Can you take your shirt off for me?”

Shiro’s head is still fuzzy, but can feel the blush rising on his cheeks.

“You don’t have to,” Matt assures him.

“It’s fine,” Shiro murmurs, tugging off his shirt and revealing the spider web of scars crisscrossing his torso. He winces at the sight of himself, but Matt doesn’t seem phased.

“Thank you, Takashi,” Matt murmurs softly as he situates himself behind his partner, reaching around to trace his fingertips over the scars on Shiro’s ribs, “Is this okay?”

Shiro holds his breath for a moment, then releases it and nods. It’s strange to have someone touching his scars so tenderly. Matt has pressed many a kiss to the scar across his nose, but this is a level of intimacy he wasn’t quite prepared for.

Matt nods against the back of his neck and runs his fingers over a particularly deep scar across Shiro’s chest, “Tell me if it stops being okay.”

Shiro lets out a tiny gasp and nods again.

Matt plants a light kiss on his neck and continues exploring with his hands. Once he’s traced every scar he can reach from his current position, he smirks into the nape of Shiro’s neck and rakes his fingernails lightly up his sides, eliciting a whimper and a squirm from his partner. “Was that alright?” he checks in.

Shiro nods, panting a bit, “That tickled!” He’s smiling in spite of himself.

Matt peers around at his face and grins, his expression full of mischief and fondness, and Shiro can practically feel his heart melting. “Can you lay down on your tummy for me, now?”

“My tummy?” Shiro chuckles.

“Your tummy,” Matt repeats, as if this is a perfectly reasonable thing to say in the midst of a very intimate moment between two grown adults.

Shiro rolls his eyes but complies, laying down on his stomach and wrapping his arms around a pillow to situate it under his chin. The position feels oddly vulnerable, especially with his shirt off. But he trusts Matt. He trusts Matt more than he trusts himself.

“Good boy,” Matt murmurs.

Shiro freezes. His breath is caught in his throat and his blood has turned to ice in his veins.

A firm hand presses against his shoulder, grounding him and warming him up, “Shiro? You still with me?”

Shiro manages to release a shaky breath, “Don’t… say that, please.” He’s not even sure why, but something about those _words_ made him feel less human.

“Oh,” Matt says, laying down and pressing a cheek between Shiro’s shoulder blades, “I’m so sorry, Takashi. I'm so, so sorry.”

Shiro breathes slowly into his pillow for a few moments before saying, “It’s okay. Thank you for understanding.”

“Do you want me to keep going or stop?” Matt asks.

Shiro hums thoughtfully, then shakes his head, “Don't stop.”

“Okay,” Matt sits back up and smiles down at him, “I’m gonna touch your back, now.” And he does. He runs his fingers over every scar on Shiro’s back, occasionally pausing to surprise him with tickly fingernails across his ribs.

When Matt pulls his hand away, Shiro wakes up from his stupor and realizes he’s been drooling on his pillow. He makes a confused noise and looks blearily up at Matt, who smiles back down at him.

“Can you give me your arm, please?”

Shiro rolls over awkwardly to offer his left arm to his partner, but Matt shakes his head.

“Other arm.”

Shiro scowls, “The other arm is a weapon.”

“It’s also a lot of other things,” Matt insists gently, “It’s just another part of you. You said you can feel things with it, right?”

Shiro inhales sharply, “Technically, yes.” The sensations from his Galra arm aren’t quite the same as the sensations from the rest of his body. But yes, he does get sensory input from it. Which is useful in battle and somewhat distressing the rest of the time.

“Let me touch it?” Matt says softly.

Shiro hesitates, then sits up and reluctantly holds his Galra arm out to Matt. “Be careful,” he warns, watching intently to make sure nothing goes awry.

Matt smiles up at him and reaches both hands out towards Shiro’s arm. Gingerly, he turns it over so the wrist is facing upwards, sandwiching Shiro’s hand between his own. After a minute, he slides one hand away and brings it up to run his fingers down the entire length of Shiro’s metal forearm.

Shiro can feel himself begin to shake. Part of him doesn’t want it to stop. But an even bigger part of him thinks he might throw up if it continues. “M-Matt…”

“You okay?”

“I think we need to stop…”

“Okay,” Matt gently guides Shiro’s arm into his lap and then releases it, “It’s okay. What d’you wanna do, now?”

Shiro is still shaking a little, but the pressure inside his head is starting to dissipate. He takes a moment to catch his breath, then says, “Can we cuddle?”

“Yeah!” Matt gives him a toothy grin and sweeps him into a tight hug, burying his face between Shiro’s neck and shoulder, “Love you, Takashi. Love love love love love.”

With a wobbly but mischievous grin, Shiro wraps his left arm around Matt’s torso and rolls sideways, toppling them both onto the bed.

“D’you feel real again?” asks Matt in a whisper.

“Yeah,” Shiro presses his forehead against Matt’s, trying to steady himself so his partner can’t feel just how much he’s still trembling.

Matt isn’t fooled, “You’re still all shaky. Want me to smoosh you until you stop shaking?”

“Smoosh… me…?”

Before Shiro can ask for specifics, Matt is crawling over him and snuggling down behind him, pulling him flush against himself and murmuring, “Proprioceptive input.”

“You… could’ve just offered to be the big spoon,” Shiro points out.

“Shush,” Matt says, giving him another squeeze, “I’m stimulating your proprioceptive sense through soothing pressure.”

Shiro chuckles and presses backwards into Matt. He feels a little ridiculous being little spoon to someone nearly a foot shorter than himself, but he’s not really in a position to complain. His shaking is already starting to subside.

**Author's Note:**

> If you wanna come say hi, I'm [Agapostemon](https://agapostemon.tumblr.com/) on Tumblr!
> 
> Also: Please remember that I write purely for fun and catharsis. My fics are unbeta’d and minimally proofread. They’re not perfect, and that’s okay. If you notice something I could fix or improve, please keep those thoughts to yourself. If I genuinely want critique, I’ll ask a close friend in private. **Surprise critiques are very stressful and discouraging.** Thanks for understanding!


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